I'm sure you noticed my forced smile. I didn't really make any effort in attempting to have it appear genuine, anyways. It was no pleasure of mine, was it? I had absolutely nothing to say to you, even if I was holding back all vocabulary of sorts. We exchanged the occasional, "How are you?"s and the stereotypical answers. "Work. School." Wait for it, wait for it... "Still with my boyfriend." THERE it is. I could tell that was the only thing you wanted to say. I could hear the stammer of words as you searched for something, anything, so that He was not the focus of your life. Poor job of doing so, I must say. I could see you just itching to bring it up. I get it. You're dating him, you have been dating him, and you will be dating him. You don't have to tell me twice.
You've completely changed, and I don't mean that in a good way. Your eyes are dark, and empty, just like the words that came out of your mouth. Your hair is naturally blonde, and this dark coating you've been casing it in just makes you look washed out and sick. Your lack of inner beauty is shining through. Above all else, you pretend you have the perfect life, but through all your feigned smiles and forced bubbly voice, I can see just how unhappy you are.
You used to not care what anyone thought of you. Or at least you knew how to pretend you didn't care, but I guess we all crave the approval of others. I remember when you had dyed your hair a light brown/dark blonde, and you said you hated it, because your light, yellow blonde hair was what made you YOU. You loved to laugh and have fun and spend time with the ones you loved. You used to be able to carry conversations that lasted for hours on end, embellished with our giggles and our tears. You were determined, and had so much potential, and now you're letting everything else hold you back.
Had this chance run-in meeting happened about a month ago, I would have taken this opportunity to say everything that I had wanted to for years. I would have wanted to speak every cruel word I could to completely tear you apart and make you feel absolutely and utterly worthless. I wanted to make you feel so small and alone, and I wanted my words to penetrate deep and become embedded in your brain so you could remember them forever. But seeing you tonight, it wasn't anger or hatred that I felt, but pity. I sincerely felt sorry for you, because I could see how unhappy you were. Your eyes emulated your misery, and you're doing everything you could to hide it. You're looking for happiness in the places everyone tells you you should find it- Through your one and only long term boyfriend. Through your appearance, with your artificially dark hair and extra blanket under your skin and unflattering clothes. Through your few friends you only have because they are who you live with and are convenient for you, as you have the talent of burning bridges with those you were once close with. Because those are the only things that can make you happy, right? At least that's what everyone tells you. I immediately was filled with guilt for all of the cruel things I had said before. Of all the cruel things I wanted to say. Whether or not you are aware of this, I can see it clearly. I only know because I went through it myself this past year, and it was hell. Seeing you, and seeing your eyes, was like looking into a mirror with my reflection from a year ago, and I just wanted to completely break down again.
I'm not saying that I want to be friends with you again. By any means, your lack of perspicacity is something I honestly don't think I could handle any longer than our brief two minute conversation. But no one deserves to be miserable and despondent.
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