Songs and Memories.

originally written: october, 2008

I'm sitting here, listening to music, when "hotcha girls" by ugly casanova, one of my favorites, begins to play, and suddenly im no longer here. i look around and i find myself back to the night i was standing in your kitchen, your arms warmly cacooning me as we swayed gracefully to the slow, lullibaic melody. No conversing, so singing, no one else around, just you and me and this peaceful silence between the two of us, faces close, eyes closed, the mesmerizing song translucent in the background. you brushed your cheed against mine, and sofly whispered along, "we left our teethmarks on the barrel of a gun..." then you breathed those words which didn't match the lyrics of the song-- those words that had been said so many times before, those words that would be said so many times after, and those words that have forever been branded in my heart an in my mind with your voice in them: "i love you." three simple words, and that made all the difference. you pulled back, looked at me in the eye, leaned in and kissed me ever so gently. it didnt last long-- it wasnt an aggressive kiss that continued and didnt stop, but it wasnt just some quick kiss, either. just a simple, tender, slightly lingering kiss, filled with the most sincere passion and love than any other kiss could hold or compare to. as soon as your lips touched mine, a small spark in my chest immediately grew into this great fire, and i knew that, without a doubt, that those words and feelings were reciprocated on my behalf.

the song ends. i find myself back in this still unfamiliar bedroom, in this lonely apartment. im alone. no one with their arms around me, no one whispering in my ear, no one even in any of the other rooms. im completely alone. but im no longer the same as before i left. the fire is still there, blending with the searing pain in my chest. i cant see-- my vision has become blurred and there are small, splattered drops of water on the desk im sitting in front of-- i soon recognized those to be tears-- hot streaks on my cheeks-- trails left from the salty water.

i didnt even realize that i was crying...

im not in my apartment for long. the song changes and im taken back to your house, the feelings of anxiety and excitement completely overwhelming me. it was the first time i had seen you since i met you two years prior, and i was so happy to finally be with you for the first time- i had wanted it for so long- but i was so afraid, as well. it didnt take long for that fear to be replaced as you started playing that cd, and then came back to me, reassuring me with a kiss and a gentle hand on my cheed that there was nothing for me to be afraid of. that same cd you lent to me --"so you think of me as you drive home,"-- and i was forever bonded with that cd and you. those ending lyrics had stuck with me and will always bring me the image of your cloudy sky eyes smiling at me:
"but oh, my love, though our bodies may be parted
though our skin may not touch skin
look for me with the sunbright swallow
i will come on the breath of the wind."

it continues. im back in my room, with more tears than before, but im never there for long. when one sone ends, another one begins-- and with each new song, i'n transported to another memory: the garage band playing a well-familiar tune the night we first met, although failing miserably at capturing the feeling of infiniteness as is in the original song. that same song blasting through the speakers, the mirrors vibrating with the bass, my car shaking, as i was on my way home that fourth of july night, in which my life had changed forever. i was back in my room. more tears. a song i had never heard before that came on WFPK as i excitedly drove the long, narrow, windy, forrest covered roads to your house, and telling you how i felt my whole world had a new meaning. i was back in my room. more tears. the song that defined our relationship, which lyrics i had written on that drawing to prove it so. i was back in my room. more tears. the dueted song which helped you admit that you were scared of me to know your past. i was back in my room. more tears. the song you gave to me, and you told me that, just like in the song, i could be with someone else, someone who is supposedly better than you, but youre thankful that im with you. i was back in my room. more tears. the piano piece that we had discussed, in which its beautiful sound reminded both of us of a bittersweet farewell, with the promise of reuniting once more. i was back in my room. more tears. the song that was constantly playing in my head, when i had painfully made the hardest decision of my life, when you had told me that you never wanted to talk to me again. songs and songs and songs played-- memories and memories and memories were relived.

i was, once again, back in my room. once again, there were more tears.

i couldnt understand. i had heard all of these songs numerous times. ive never relived any of these memories while hearing these songs before... and i think to myself, maybe it was because i was hearing the songs, but i wasnt listening. and now that i had actually been listening, all of these memories came flooding back to me, pouring down on me like the hard rain that i miss so much, coming and coming until im drowing in this vast sea of rainwater and i have no way to get out except to accept that i must relive these memories once more.

im back in my room. im blinded by this point, a small pool of water on the desk in front of me. the song changes, but this time, im not taken to a memory. this song has no memory to take me to. this song is creating a memory of its own: this memory, of me sitting here, alone, listening to the bittersweet melody. i am engrossed by the lyrics, knowing that those lyrics and i are fusing together to become as one. no one could have told me how inevitable this would have been. and i realize, im never going to escape these memories. every song, movie, event that takes place in my life now and forever more, somehow, they are going to trigger my mind and lead my thoughts back to you.
"and so it is, like they said it would be
life goes easy on me
most of the time [...]
i cant take my eyes off of you.
i cant take my mind off of you."
i want nothing more in this moment that to wish that there was such thing as eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. i would be able to rid myself of all of these memories, and i could listen to all of these songs in peace. i wonder... if you were to erase your memory of me, would we be like the characters in the movie? despite the memories of eachother erased, we find eachother once more, and still love eachother?

do you still love me?

more realizations come flooding into my overwhelmed and emotional mind: i kept telling myself that i only thought i loved you, that i only wanted to be in love, but i never was. how wrong i have been, this whole time. as cliche and cheesy as it may sound, i really did love you, and i now know that i always will. even though we have both moved on, and as life takes us each on our own journeys, whether they take us closer or further than eachother, i will always think of you.
"i cant take my mind off of you."

the song changes. im still in my room. a new memory. but this song is different. and for the first time in months, i smile. not the smiles that i have been faking and putting on for the world to see. not the smiles that i have unknowingly been using to please others. i genuinely smile. i know that everything will be alright. i miss you, and i love you. nothing is going to change that. and i know that its never going to be the same between us, no matter how badly i wish it could be. but im okay with it now. i was given these memories, and theres nothing i can do about them but learn from them, reflect on them, and know that none of it was in vain. im so thankful for everything that you have given me, shared with me, and taught me. i wouldnt be where i am now had it not been for you. and i thank you. as hard as it is, and as hard as it will be in the future, i will move on. with every new song, there is a new memory. because "everythings gonna get lighter, even if it never gets better."