Introduction (Barricades)

The idea of blogging has never settled right with me. I always am annoyed at the thought of displaying your every life's detail for millions of bloodshot eyes you would never recognize in person to search through and criticize and judge. It absolutely disgusts me that people are so open and so willing to put ANYTHING and EVERYTHING about themselves and their lives out there so publicly for the world to see. When i do see it, I have to ask myself- Are you really that self obsessed and narcissistic? Are you really so starved for attention that you're willingly to give away all virtue and self respect? Sickening.

Maybe it's because I'm introverted. I prefer to keep everything- my thoughts, my feelings and emotions, my secrets and dreams, EVERYTHING- to myself. I don't like letting people in. I tend to prefer to have the barricade surrounding me, blocking everyone out, keeping everything in. Nothing enters, nothing leaves. I imprison myself. I feel the most comfortable that way. I don't like being exposed to others, and i don't like people being able to get in without a fight. You have to fight your way through the barricade to get to me. You have to earn your right to delve into my mind and explore my thoughts. It's nothing personal; it's just how i am. Thus you can see why exposing one's self to the rest of society so openly that they know every living detail sickens me. I am a much more personal person. I have my boundaries.

Unless you really know me, you wouldn't be able to tell all of this if seen in a casual, normal day to day setting. Some people say I'm an open book- those people are the kind to assume that they can figure me out in just a few chance meetings and a few simplistic conversations that never delve past the exterior of common and surfaced. How are you to figure out a disastrously disjointed, complicated mind such and mine if you can't even penetrate the surface? Tell me what you think I'm thinking- I promise you you'll be wrong. I'm just not a simplistic mind that can be put down on paper. I'm not black and white- I'm a whole array of various colors, mixing and blending, always changing to make new colors and new patterns. I'm unpredictable- you'll never know what picture is painted on the canvas that is my mind. Once you think you've got it figured out, the optical illusion shifts, creating something new, something different and original.

I like to think that I wasn't always this way- experience has made me so. The harsh reality of life has come and gone multiple times, and it is still yet to come more in the future. I was too trusting. All too easily did I give the benefit of the doubt. Time and time again it was all just thrown back into my face tenfold and pushed me deep into the ground. After multiple times of hurt and pain and betrayal, I became resentful. No longer would i let anyone walk all over me again. Subconsciously, the construction of the barricade began. With each experience, a new level of the barricade was built. Levels were added on over and over again, until one day, the barricade became so high that no one was able to get through, and I wasn't able to get out. I felt safe, secure, and thought no harm could reach me. Only now have i discovered it and seen what it has done. I've become cold, and inhumane. I am alone- I no longer have anyone here for me. I don't mean to barricade myself as to let no thoughts out and no one in- it's just how I am. I am a prisoner inside of a barricade that I have created for myself. And even if I am alone, it's what I've become accustomed to. I'm comfortable, and I'm safe. There's no danger here.

I know it doesn't really make any sense; complaining about people being so tactless and letting the world know and see everything about them. Yet here I am, creating a blog of my own for the whole of society to see. Let me explain, so as to not portray myself as that of a hypocrite (although I have been one on certain subjects, I will shamefully admit. But that is for another entry).

This blog is a result of a conversation my friend Savannah and i had while driving through Bardstown Road one day. You see, Savannah is one of my dearest friends. Savannah also happens to be one of the most phenomenal writers I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and the privilege of reading. She has a way with words and seems to know how to phrase everything just right. Her analogies range from her veins being the wires operating a cold, lifeless machine to a piece of shitty toilet paper flushing down the toilet into the sewer, yet fit perfectly with for whatever subject she may be speaking of and whatever point she is trying to get across to the ignorant society that strives to know everything. Everyone is able to relate to what she has written in some sense or another. Savannah and I had been discussing and evaluating ourselves after being evaluated by a palm reader. Of course we didn't really take it seriously. Curiosity had overcome us and so for sheer enjoyment decided to see what was to be said and what futures our palms so reverently held entailed. I can't really remember how the subject had even come up to the surface, to be quite frank. But I had opened up to Savannah about how I am intimidated easily. Well... let me rephrase, so as to help you better understand. I am severely intimidated easily. When i see someone who is more accomplished than I and is exceedingly more talented in an area of interest that I share with them, I immediately feel ashamed. How dare I sit there and pretend that I have any increment of talent when they are obviously so much better than I? I could never amount to the level they so highly possess. Thus I become discouraged and never want to make any effort or try again. So i'll only do these things I find so much joy and pleasure in in secret. Writing happens to be one of these things. I love to write. I always have. I find that it's extremely therapeutic and helps to organize my disjointed thoughts. It's not just with writing that I'm like this. It's everything- writing, art, photography, dance, piano, guitar, singing- everything I am passionate about and find joy in doing. I see someone better than I, I become discouraged, and then I don't ever want to try anymore. I give up. Writing is something that I had forgotten about, and suddenly realized that I had a passion for. And so I write. But I see my friend Savannah, who is far more talented than i, and I see many other friends who are much better with words than I could ever fathom. So in the past, I had decided to keep all of my writing to myself. But I can't grow or develop in this skill if I just keep writing to myself, my works hidden in the dark corners of my room, never to be seen or touched again. It is my insecurity, and I need to overcome it.

And so this is the purpose of my blog. To overcome my intimidation. To expand my horizons as a writer. To develop my sapling of a talent and nurture it until it grows into that large tree (I'd like to think of mine as a willow tree) that will provide so many resources for others. It is time for me to break down my barricade, and open my mind to the world. I need to be able to let others in; not those that will hurt and discourage, but rather love and inspire. I am now freeing myself of this prison I have been captivating myself in. I shall step out into the sun I have been hiding from for so long, and embrace it's warm effulgent rays with pride. The walls are to be torn down, and I shall be able to connect with others once more.

This blog is me. MY thoughts. My ideas. My musings. My dreams. Creating a space in a world where everything seems to get smaller at the end of each day. And you're left to wonder, what's really mine? Well, this is, but you can have some. I'm willing to share this part of me.