One Last Time.

One last time am I going to look back with resent and regret. One last time am I ever going to burden my mind with the thoughts that harden my heart and make my bitter thoughts and cruel remarks. One last time I am ever going to think of you.

Then I will let you go, finally free of this tainted air, and carry on with a clear mind.

"I'm only eighteen and I would already do anything to be with you night and day. I could see us together in ten years...twenty...thirty...forty...for the rest of this life...eternity. I love you Andrea Kaye. More than anything."

If only you had acted on those words. Or any of the words that came out of your mouth back then. You'd complain how people always thought you were just a pothead, with no potential, "but [you'd] show them!" You changed. Towards the end, you became so angry and hateful, and everything I (and everyone else) did was just in spite of you. The world was against you. Everything was my fault because I had religious beliefs and faith. And now? Now you've lived up to your expectation. Drugs and alcohol have completely consumed your life, you have no regards for education, and you're wasting your life away. You called me to tell me that you were "once again, on [your] way to California!" You left without saying goodbye, and you only called to see if I had any religious connections out there so you could get some money. What happened? You were so wonderful back then. I wish I could have prevented whatever it was that made it all go wrong. It literally pains me to see what you've become. Obviously your vision was hazy and skewed, because we didn't even last after a year.

"Friendship isn't a label, it's a promise. May the hinges of our friendship never grow rusty. I am so thankful each and everyday to have you in my life, Andrea."

It takes work to keep the hinges from rusting. You have to constantly open and close them while keeping them well lubricated with oil so they don't become stuck and corrode. I tried to keep the door open, for both of us. You shut and locked the door and left me on the outside where I couldn't reach the hinges. I did what I could-- you're the one that let the hinges disintegrate. It seems friendship is a promise you just couldn't keep.

"Yeah, I really mean it about your friend because I don't know what it's like to lose a friend to death but I know what its like to lose a friend but just remember that even though their body is gone they still live inside you and just remember them for who they were he or she is probably in a better place and they dont suffer anymore."

You have no idea the effect you had on me, do you? The fact that even in my time of despair, you still knew exactly what to say to make me feel even the smallest glimmer of hope. I was so madly head over heels for you, and I was always scared of what you thought of me. I hated that I was that stereo-typical high school girl with a fat crush-- it wasn't like my character, and I didn't know how to handle it. I was too scared and too shy to ever just "go for it." I couldn't be myself with you, because I was too concerned with what your opinion of me may had been had I'd been found out. I know it doesn't really matter now, but I still miss our friendship. I lost a friend in you, too. I hope you're in a better place, but I can't help but hope that it ends abominably, and I feel horrid for wanting that. She may deserve it, but you don't.

"I hope you can forgive me and all of my wrongs. Andrea I love you, I love with you with all my heart, I will die for you and do anything for you [...], and I hope that nothing will ever come between us again and hopefully we/I can learn from our mistakes."

Funny. After that whole incident, you went straight back to doing what it was that caused that whole fight in the first place. I forgave, time and time again, and was slapped on the other cheek in return. When I finally gave up on our friendship, your bitter words became the poison in everyone's ears. I've looked back time and time again, and to be completely honest, I still cannot comprehend why in the world you said those things, as I had never done anything to deserve them. Even when I tried to fix it years later, you agreed that you, too, wanted to get together and discuss the situation in person. I guess you "conveniently" forgot, and left for Idaho the next day. I learned from my mistake to never forgive you again. It seems you still have yet to learn from yours.

"I don't know what to say. Sometimes you leave me breathless, Andrea. I wish I could be more like you."

I hope you get shot and paralyzed from the neck down so you live miserably for the rest of your sad, pathetic, meaningless life. Words cannot even begin to describe the slightest increment of pain, torment, suffering, and physical heartache that you caused me. You left me breathless too-- it's hard to breathe when there's a stabbing pain in your chest enabling your lungs to function properly and the tears won't stop their attempts to drown you.