Home.

"What do you do in your time that you're not working? Why haven't you done this, and this, and this?"

I look up lazily. I had been working on this and this and this, as well as working on that and that and that. I'm sorry our priorities are different. No amount of yelling and telling me "Your bedroom looks like shit," is going to motivate me. I'm sorry I'm forced to share my extremely diminutive living space with my sister who is in and out all the time, with whose lifestyle I have to cater my schedule and sleeping arrangements and everything else to. "Oh, Andrea Stringer is coming to spend the night. I hope you don't mind." Not at all. Just let me go out and spend yet another night on the piss-stenched couch that is too small for my elongated body. It's just as much her mess as it is mine, if not more.

I know I haven't been very motivated to do anything lately. I figured it was the downpour of rainy weather and lack of solar rays that caused me to be so lethargic and soporific. However, today is a perfect, gorgeous autumn day, with wisps of white feathers in the robin-egg skies, blends of greens and reds and yellows and oranges in the ever-changing trees. A slight chill is in the breeze. Beautiful. All I want to do is get out and take a drive, to have some time alone to myself and my thoughts. Perhaps it's not the weather that causes my lack of motivation. Maybe it's living here at home.

Mouth.

My God. I just wanted to try to make it better, yet it seems that all I do is make everything worse. Sometimes I wish I would just keep my mouth shut. All it does is make me make an ass out of myself, and I become a total bitch. My aunt suggested jokingly I use duct tape. I'm highly considering it, looking back at all the stupid shit my mouth, and my inability to keep it sealed, has caused.

Unfortunately, back when I was able to create the noise of silence, that, too, caused so many problems and issues. My remaining silent always made things worse-- there was no closure, nothing was ever resolved. All I was left with were brooding thoughts and a resentful heart. I thought that finally speaking up would change this. How sadly I was mistaken.

It seems I can't find a happy medium.

A Thought.

I miss our late night walks and talks of nothing and everything.

I miss our conversations that drifted off to sleep.

I miss waking up with your arm innocently belted around my waist on that tiny aged couch.

I miss the gentle way your fingers caressed my hair and hands.

I miss the way your velveteen voice whispered, "Andie," into my ruptured ears.

I miss coming home from work to discover a letter from you on my front door.

I'm so, so sorry for ruining it all.

I despise myself for it.

I wish you would write me back.